Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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