i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
