i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
