I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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