Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
