Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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