I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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