he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
