No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
