Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i think my mom watched the whole time
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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