I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
