When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
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