She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
