NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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