Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
