fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
