i need an iv and a liver transplant
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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