This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
