my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
