My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
