I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
