my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
