Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
