TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
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I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
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If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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