If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
