I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
of course. lets lasso hookers.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You ruined the universe
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
