May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
