I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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