I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Randomize
