I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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