Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
