you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
