I didn't shave. On purpose
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
