So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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