So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
