So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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