what day is it and did you see me today?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
