Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."