I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I will be naked everywhere
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach