either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now