I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(