i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
