there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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