Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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