We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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