Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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