I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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