I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
