Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
