I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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