yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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