You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
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