If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
