My liver just broke up with me...
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
