After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
