dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
