I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
