Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
love makes seman taste better
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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