I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
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Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
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I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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