Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
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you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
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Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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