Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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