There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
