There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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