I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
