I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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